I have been thinking a lot about my life. I'm so Blessed to have so many wonderful things in my life. I have a wonderful, kind, caring husband, a cute doggie, a great house, a job that puts food on the table, and a family and friends that always support me no matter what.
Many people would love to have the life I have. Yet, I am still not satified.
I am so unsatified with how I look. I was the pretty girl in college. You know, the one that guys were always wanting to date. And I know that doesn't really matter now, because I am married and off the market. But I miss feeling pretty and attractive. I miss having people look at me when I am walking down the street. I miss the attention. There, I said it.
I know why I allowed myself to get fat. I allowed myself to gain the weight because when I was seventeen my next door neighbor tried to rape me. He came into my house when my parents weren't home, pinned me against the wall, and told me how pretty I was and that I owed him a favor...all while touching me and trying to take my clothes off. By the Grace of God, I got out of my house and my dad beat the shit out of him. I took him to court, where he spent like one day in jail, and that was the end of it. For him.
For me, though, it was the start of many dark nights. I never really admitted this to my family or close friends, but I was afraid to go to sleep at night. I was afraid he would crawl through my window and attack me. I was fearful that I would see him out in public somewhere and have to face him all over again. I was terrified. Then as time went on, I decided that if I wasn't pretty, no one would try to hurt me.
I'm messed up.
I can't blame all my weight gain on him. But I do blame the start of the terrible cycle on him. I finally lost weight a few years ago for my wedding, but I was getting so much positive attention that it scared me again, and I decided it would be better being invisible.
Now I am trapped. I don't want to live like this anymore- I don't want to be overweight and unhappy. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to want to have my picture taken. I want to love myself. However, I don't want the attention from strangers. I don't want to worry about someone trying to hurt me again. I don't want guys to lust after me when I am already married....
I suppose I should go seek some counselling for this. I suppose that someone could help get me through this. I am not going to be happy until I lose the weight.